#... i do eish i was born someone else now. someone better than me atleast. this is a mirror to 16 yr old me.
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#if i go back home id have excuses to fuck myself up in ways i havent in a really long time#i feel like im going backwards in progress despite reaching a few goals#i still have to try and to do better and to be better.#... man i just want to drink myself into a pit and cry about it all.#i cant even say theres no hope. that lifes not worth living.#because u have hope. i am living a life worth living. and im terrified to let it go.#ive never really felt this before. i cry but its not out of defeat. its out of fear.#... theres so much fear now. but it fuels me. im not defeated yet.#i have to try.#... and then we can worry about the suicidal ideational side of it all later. its not worth mentioning right now.#the only thing i really wanna cry about is how little i am. how clumsy. how faulty. how useless.#... hope im still good to keep around. im just ignoring the voices telling me everyones better off without me#cause i dont care about that. i want to be kept around regardless of being this.#i want to keep this.#i want to be desired as a useless failgirl.#im trying every day of my life and yet i make zero progress on those fronts.#i still mess up something .. and i still lack validation#... i do eish i was born someone else now. someone better than me atleast. this is a mirror to 16 yr old me.#how things loop around constantly. its annoying.#and i guess i dont learn. or i leep relearning for some goddamn reason.#... this is the curse of my life perhaps.#... i dont know what im on about.
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